Five Minute Friday | PHASE
When each phase is actually a layer …
This week’s 5-Minute Friday focuses on the word PHASE. It immediately conjured up so many memories of my daughter’s struggles that I decided to make it a post. I did not follow the 5 minute rule on this one. 🫣
Singing everywhere she went of Beauty and the Beast
It was just a phase we said — a phase that was so sweet
Soon enough a teen she was — then anger stole her heart.
It was just a phase we said, but it was just the start!
Depression found a home in her, a razor across her skin
It must be a phase we said, to her I’ll closely cling
She loved him deeply, but he was taken, grief cut like a knife
It is a phase so hard and sad, but she’ll get on with life
Pain too deep, she was drowning, she had to medicate
This phase she hid so long and well — it was her way of escape
“Don’t send me away! I’ll detox here til freedom finds its way!”
A phase that broke me near in half, but we got through those days.
Years passed on, she fell again. This time she faced it head on
A phase that needed months before she finally killed those demons
God has had a part in the healing of her heart
A phase we pray won’t ever end! His grace is her rampart!
PHASE: A temporary state or behavioral pattern in a person's life.
I immediately thought of what we say about our kids and the various stages they go through.
“Oh, it’s just a phase!”
The “goth” phase (IYKYK), the anger phase, rebellious phase and on and on it goes.
As I began to reflect upon the phases of my daughter’s adolescence, I started to recognize that maybe they weren’t phases. Maybe they were layers.
Layers of pain.
Layers of fear.
Layers of sadness.
In the middle of my children’s young lives, my husband and I were going through our own phase.
That phase held our focus.
It held our full attention.
It kept us pre-occupied.
The pain we were grappling with made it difficult to see past the moment.
We lost sight of what was happening in the lives of our children.
Their pain was too much. “It’s just a phase.”
Their struggles were too much. “Oh, it’s just a phase.”
What were we saying?
They’ll figure it out.
They’ll grow out of it.
It’s just what kids do.
We anesthetized their pain because we couldn’t anesthetize our own.
The sad reality was that my oldest wasn’t going through a phase. She was crying out for help. She was searching for a safe place to land and finding none.
Even as I write this, my heart breaks.
Pain had a way of keeping us from seeing beyond ourselves. And sadly as parents, we don’t have the luxury of caring solely for ourselves. There are little humans watching us, needing us, learning life from us. But …
What do you do when your adult life is falling apart?
How do you keep your children’s from falling apart?
First, honesty! Kids know! They can sense when things are not right. They feel it in their bones and it can be so scary. Telling them, “Nothing’s wrong!” is not the answer. But telling them, “Mommy and daddy are working through some things, but we are going to be alright” will help them understand that conflict happens. It doesn’t mean everything is broken.
Second, learn to say, “I’m sorry.” This is big. If an argument has erupted in front of them, acknowledge it. Then apologize for scaring them.
Did you raise your voices with each other?
Say unkind words to each other?
Don’t only apologize to your spouse, but apologize to your children for speaking in an unkind way to their father or mother. Let them know that is not acceptable and you are praying for God to help you with self-control.
Lastly, if things have reached an impasse between you and your spouse, seek out Godly counsel. Bring your children as well. Maybe not to every session, but give them the same space you’ve given each other to work through their own pain.
My husband and I learned these lessons after much damage was done. We did bring our children with us to counseling and have been able to work through a lot. But, something I have realized is this.
God is the healer of the broken hearted and He will bind up our wounds.
But, not every story will have a happy ending especially the longer pain has lingered.
Things said cannot be unsaid.
What was done cannot be undone.
Consequences do take their course.
But, we all have choices.
Choices to forgive.
Choices to love.
Choices to get help.
Choices to lean on God.
I thank God that He has done an amazing work of restoration in our family.
Is it perfect? No.
Are we all “pain free?” No.
But, we are walking our journey with eyes set on Him, the author and finisher of our faith. And one thing I am sure of is this …
He who began a good work will complete it (Philippians 1:6).
And that is not a phase!
Amen! Thank God for the promise of Philippians 1:6!
Truly raw and beautiful testimony, Laura. I’m grateful your daughter is doing so well. Having watched my own battle the cancer demon and come out whole on the other side is one of the miracles I’m constantly thanking God for!
You and I have shared so many similar moments in ourselves, our marriages, and with our kids. Each time I read your words I find myself thinking, I could just change the names and that story wound be us! So would the healing and the growing, indestructible faith God has planted in us. I think of all the miracles God has blessed us with, that is the one that brings the most good. Knowing that every moment of our lives has already been written by the hand of our Creator, and because it has, we don’t have to fear the ending!